RULES OF CONDUCT FOR THE 'CLASSIC 'AMERICAN CLASSROOM
By: Nithya Jaisankar and Nithya Sundaram
By: Nithya Jaisankar and Nithya Sundaram
*Disclaimer: These rules were typed for the classic American classroom. It was made to target those schools in which the teachers are being blatantly disrespected and ignored. Here is what each teacher should do to show them who is boss. Any use of these rules other than the method described below is a violation of federal law and will result in a significant amount of jail time*
1. If your students doze off so much that their snores have become white noise for the rest of the class, take away their seat and their desk and make them stand for the rest of the day. If the student does it again, obtain a human-sized bucket of cold water and have the student stand in the bucket for the rest of the day. Make sure to change out the water every hour as it can get a little warm and slightly comfortable for the student.
2. If a student breathes more than 0.5 decibels louder than you do, they are trying to overthrow your dynasty. Begin to slowly increase the volume of your breathing as you take loud steps towards the student that is challenging you. Chances are, you will hear your student's breathing increase in speed and volume as well. This is the classic sign of a student who is making a poor attempt at exerting his dominance. If you reach over 90 decibels, consider sending the kid down to the office.
3. If a student comes to class without a pencil, instruct him to find the nearest graphite mountain, obtain graphite, and to make their own pencil lead. This is an amazing activity as it has students making their own materials, a skill that would come in handy if they ever get stranded in a foreign country and need to communicate with others. Encourage the other students in your class to participate as well.
4. If a student gets less than 167.87% on a test, the student is not trying hard enough. They either do not understand how detrimental a low test score can be for their future or they do not care enough to try. For every question that was answered incorrectly, make the student sprint a lap around the school. At the end of the lap, ask him the question again and he has to give you the right answer within 3.92 seconds. Make sure to time how long it takes the student to answer as they like to lie and play games.
5. If a student spells a word wrong, then that student has to copy down the entire English dictionary for homework every day. Make sure to have another student, preferably someone who is not friends with that student, cross-check to make sure that student had written down every word and definition. If the student has missed a word, have them recopy the entire dictionary and also the thesaurus. Be aware that a student might claim that they had actually spelled the word right and you thought that their 'h' was an 'n'. The student is attempting to pull one of the oldest tricks in the book. Have the student write a process analysis essay on how to do a better job of lying. If the rest of your class seems to suffer from the same problem, have your student read the essay to the rest of the class.
If you are unsure about how to execute any of the steps identified above, please feel free to contact us at 1-800-IWISHTHISWASJAPAN.
Our office hours are:
Monday-Friday: 1 a.m. - 3:30 a.m.
Saturday: 4 a.m. - 5 a.m.
Sunday: Closed
I love your post!! It was very funny and it made me laugh! You satirized the passage very well. I also liked how you used minimal situations to further your argument and to demonstrate the flaws in the educational system. In addition, I liked how you included a phone number and office hours, it makes your essay seem more realistic and serious. Very well done!!
ReplyDeleteThis post was hilarious, I especially liked the rule you made about when a student forgot their pencil. That was very funny, but aside from the comedy aspect of your blog post, the message was clear. Giving an unjust amount of power to anyone can cause bias and non logical ideas to form. I know from reading Kyoko Mori's piece that Japanese schools are very strict, and some of the rules you made were an exaggeration of those rules. It goes to show how absurd some are and what too much power in the hands of the school can do. It diminishes the students freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Over all, this blog post was really well written, and I really like the idea of the rules.
ReplyDeleteYour post is really well done! The satire is very well written and it made me smile. Your constant use of hyperboles and exaggeration added to the overall humor of the piece especially well. It was also cool to read a passage written in a process-analysis style, rather than a more typical choice, like a story or narrative. The piece was funny, and communicated your idea very clearly. Overall, a great satire piece!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great piece of satire! I liked the way you mocked the idea that anything less than absolute obedience in the classroom is somehow disrespectful. Teachers that expect their students to never question them do more harm than good to the students, because it teaches the students not to question the things they hear and to just blindly obey. America as a society is a lot more individualistic than other Asian cultures, who value conformity. I think that's where Mori's idea of American classrooms allowing students to express individuality comes from
ReplyDelete